The following is a list of things customers do and/or say during a regular shift at my work. I’ve been meaning to write this down for a while now, just for shits and giggles, so…enjoy!

1. “Are you open?” — At Home Depot, cashiers are required to stand in the aisle in front of their till when they do not have a customer, in order to provide better customer service by directing people to where they need to go to find something or call them over to their till if they’re ready to check-out. So when I get asked this question a MILLION TIMES A DAY, I always want to say, “No, actually, I’m just standing here for my health.” (Please note this is to be said with a high degree of sarcasm that may or may not result in disciplinary action.) The light above my till is ON, people! Why must you insist on asking such a stupid-ass question?!

2. People who ask for a bag when the product they’ve purchased ALREADY HAS A HANDLE. — Okay, seriously? What the fuck?! You do not need a fucking bag for your GALLON OF FUCKING PAINT! Nor do you need one for the small BUCKET you just bought. If it has any sort of handle, DO NOT BE AN IDIOT AND ASK FOR A BAG. This usually results in the rolling of eyes and weird looks as you leave the store.

3. People who ask for a bag when they buy less than 5 SMALL items. — Bitch, you can fit those little picture hangers in your goddamned Mary Poppins carpet bag of a purse, okay? Do not ask me for a bag just because you don’t want to ‘sully’ your precious purse with Home Depot product. Do your part and save the environment.

4. Saying “Oh, that must be free!” when an item doesn’t immediately scan or has no UPC barcode or SKU on it. — No, it fucking is NOT free, you’re just one of the unlucky customers who chose something that didn’t have a tag stuck on it. So do me a favour. Go back to where you got it and get me another one, or wait ten minutes while I call an associate in that department for the SKU and then have to page out 3 times because there is no one IN that department at the moment. And next time, make sure the fucking code is on the fucking item you want.

5. Not having a card or cash out when I give the total. — If I’ve spent the last five minutes scanning your items through my till, you have had PLENTY of time to unzip your purse, spend two minutes hunting for your wallet, and then spend another minute shuffling through the two handfuls of plastic you have managed to shove into every nook and cranny until you find the right card. Do not wait until I’m finished to do what you need to do, okay? Be prepared. Like Scar. Or the Boy Scouts. Only more like Scar, because he’s fucking Jeremy Irons and way cooler than any Boy Scout.

5.5 Not leaving immediately after finishing the transaction, ESPECIALLY when I have a line forming. — No, do not spread your shit all over the fucking counter. Do not dig to the bottom of that gods-be-damned Mary Poppins carpet bag of a purse to get your keys out. Do not spent five minutes folding up your receipt and tucking it neatly into your wallet. Just get your shit, take the receipt when I hand it to you, and fucking LEAVE.

6. Telling me the price of something when I’m looking for the UPC. — This one may not be entirely evident to anyone if they aren’t a cashier, but as far as I’m aware, knowing what the price of something is does. Not. Help. At all. So that two foot piece of doweling in your hand may very well be $2.40 a foot, but unless I have something to scan, the price means fuck all.

7. “Man, every debit machine is different!”/”They should regulate these things so they’re all the same.” — I get it. Seriously, I do. Hell, I agree with you, even! Just…stop telling me, dammit! Yes, there are a lot of different debit machines out there. And yes, the debit option of the machines at Home Depot are particularly irritating. But that does NOT mean I need you to point it out to me every other transaction.

8. Not knowing how to use the debit/credit machine. — Seriously, this isn’t rocket science. All you have to do is follow the prompts on the screen. No, our machines do not require you to push ‘OK’ before entering your credit card PIN, so why you can’t just chill the fuck out and WAIT for it to load, I don’t know. 

8.5 Jabbing the touchscreen on the debit machine too hard. — This doesn’t actually help, you know. The lighter the touch the better, more often than not. But mostly it’s only elderly people who do this, so I can’t get too mad at them.

9. Invading my personal space when questioning the price of something. — Dude. Back. The fuck. Up. I will angle the screen towards you. I will read off EVERY item and it’s price and tell you what you’re paying in GST and PST. So standing three inches away from me while I’m trying to do this DOES NOT HELP THINGS OR MAKE THEM ANY CHEAPER! And while you’re at it, don’t complain about the taxes you have to pay, either. BC voted to get rid of HST, okay, so fucking deal with the PST and tough shit if you don’t like it, there’s nothing I can do about it. 

10. “You look bored, let’s put you to work.”/”You look like you need something to do.”/”Alright, enough standing around!” — I know it might look like I’m just standing here looking pretty, but standing here IS part of my job. I’m paid by the hour, not on commission. I don’t actually NEED to be doing something to get paid, especially as a cashier. But when I’m standing in the aisle, I’m not just ‘standing around’. I’m assisting people. I’m watching for potential shoplifters. I’m being bubbly and friendly to people, and believe you me, that IS work. So do not accuse me, even jokingly, or imply in any way, shape or form, that I am not doing my job, because I am. So fuck you.

Ha, there. That is my cashier rant for tonight. xD